How Backpacking Helped Me Challenge Compulsive Exercising Behaviors
For many years, I would set my alarm hours before my first appointment or class of the day in order to get up and run three miles on the exact same route EVERY SINGLE morning with zero exceptions or deviations. I completed this exact same routine every day rain or shine, no matter how late I went to bed the night before or my energy level. If a friend invited me to an exercise class with them, I would STILL need to complete my morning run in part because skipping would generate anxiety, and in part because I had a fear that the fitness class might not be “challenging enough”. This fitness routine was in NO WAY rooted in actual health or wellness and it was not designed to make me stronger or work towards any specific fitness goals- it was all about controlling my body, focusing on outcomes, and avoiding change. During the peak of my eating disorder, my relationship with exercise transitioned from a genuine love of movement and athletics, to compulsive exercise focused on weight loss and relieving anxiety.
As a child, I had always been a self-identified “sporty spice”. I participated in youth sports, took gymnastics classes, and loved any excuse to move my body, especially in athletic competition. I was proud of what my body helped me do and loved feeling strong and capable. At this stage of my life, I took a very process oriented approach to exercise- I loved movement and exercise for the experience of participating and had no thoughts of how movement could influence or manipulate my appearance.
When I started to develop signs of Orthorexia in college, my relationship with exercise and movement also began to change. At the start of freshman year, I would run a few times a week after dinner with a friend from high school- we would meet up at the dorms, walk to the student rec center together, and run and chat as a bonding experience, never focusing on pace or weight and there was no anxiety if something came up and either one of us had to cancel. Midway through the year, I told this friend I would be transitioning to morning runs and that I wasn’t able to go with her any more- a sign that my movement had become increasingly ritualized and isolated. I told myself it just fit with my schedule more easily, but the reality was that my eating disorder liked morning workouts because they were easier to control and less likely to get skipped. I also transitioned from running on the indoor track, to a treadmill where I could obsessively track my time, pace, and calories burned.
All of these are signs of Compulsive Exercise, sometimes referred to as exercise addiction. While Compulsive Exercise is not a recognized clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5, the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) describes the warning signs and symptoms as follows:
Exercise that significantly interferes with important activities, occurs at inappropriate times or in inappropriate settings, or when the individual continues to exercise despite injury or other medical complications
Intense anxiety, depression, irritability, feelings of guilt, and/or distress if unable to exercise
Maintains excessive, rigid exercise regimen – despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury
Discomfort with rest or inactivity
Exercise used to manage emotions
Exercise as a means of purging (needing to “get rid of” or “burn off” calories)
Exercise as permission to eat
Exercise that is secretive or hidden
Feeling as though you are not good enough, fast enough or not pushing hard enough during a period of exercise; overtraining
Withdrawal from friends and family
As I worked with a therapist on recovery from my eating disorder, I realized that my relationship with exercise also needed to change. I knew I needed to take a step back from any movement that felt compulsive and focused on weight loss or weight maintenance and find a way of incorporating movement that felt joyful, mindful, and centered the process of movement rather than the outcome of how it might impact my body. I needed to give up control while also rediscovering the joy and pride I once felt for what my body could help me DO, not how it looked.
Hiking and backpacking were central in reclaiming and re-working my relationship with exercise and movement. When I first started to experiment with hiking and walking in nature, the old eating disorder, outcome oriented part of my brain felt triggered by the unknown- how will we know if the hike was “challenging enough”? What if the hike takes too much or too little time? It is recommended to hike and backpack WITH others for safety, preventing secrecy and isolation. Hiking and backpacking also requires the participant to fuel up and eat regularly- incorporating snacks and meals high in carbohydrates and fats, often before you feel actively hungry to ensure that your blood sugar and energy levels remain stable. In fact, when backpacking, because you are carrying all of your supplies with you, it is critical to ensure that you are maximizing the calorie to weight ratio of the food you bring. This is directly challenging to the eating disorder mindset of eating “safe foods” that are high in fiber and water and low in calories. Hiking is not a vehicle to “earn” food- it is an enjoyable activity that is made possible by adequate and consistent/regular fueling.
Not only did hiking and backpacking challenge my views on nutrition, but it forced me to be more mindful and to appreciate the journey as opposed to a singular destination. When backpacking, I appreciate the ability to immerse myself in nature in a way that is remote and precious- I have the opportunity to breathe in the smells & take in the sights of nature relatively untouched by industry, observe wildlife that I wouldn’t normally encounter, and be with myself while feeling the sun and wind on my face. I experience a mediative practice of getting lost in my thoughts while placing one foot in front of the other- sometimes we can see the path before us as overwhelming and long, but when we take the journey one step at a time, we can do so much more than we imagined was possible at the outset. Backpacking in particular also challenged my desire for control- unexpected changes in weather, obstacles on the trail, and other variables that can fluctuate throughout the day (such as sun exposure or altitude), all mean that there’s no single surefire strategy to prepping for a trip and part of a successful excursion is all about being flexible and prepared for change.
Traveling for a backpacking trip in Glacier National Park this summer allowed me to put into practice the lessons I’ve learned over my years of recovery work from compulsive exercise.
Flexibility and adaptability- Glacier National Park boasts approximately 3 million visitors to the park each year, most visiting during a small window from late July to mid September. For this reason, you have to be flexible and accept you may not gain access to some of the post popular campsites or backpacking routes. When my partner and I arrived in Glacier, we had to be flexible on which routes were available to us for our backpacking trip and embrace change when our first and second choice options were both unavailable during our trip. This also meant being ok with changing which days we started our trek and the overall distance we were hiking- both variables that would have been anxiety-inducing for my eating disorder. We also ended up changing and cutting out optional lookouts or parts of the trail due to exhaustion, choosing to prioritize additional rest instead of adding on additional miles when we just weren’t feeling up to it. We ended up completing a two night/three day trip (our longest backpacking trip to date!) and during the afternoon of the second day, we got rained on for HOURS. We had no cell service, so we couldn’t predict how long the precipitation would last, and just had to trust our rain gear and tough it out. This lack of predictability and control would have been impossible to tolerate when I was using exercise as a means to feel control over my body and my life.
Meals and snacks- We knew it was important for our energy levels, repairing muscles and preventing soreness, and for our overall safety to over-pack meals and snacks for this long trip! Knowing that I was going to spend the next three days intentionally eating approximately every hour, especially focusing on carbs and fats, would have sent me into a tailspin when my eating disorder had me convinced that the point of exercise was ONLY to make myself smaller. Eating trail mix and energy bars that are high in calories and carbohydrates ensured that I would have quick energy when I needed it the most, and lasting feelings of fullness and satiety to keep me moving on the trail, especially carrying a heavy backpack. In fact, one of the joys of backpacking in Glacier was the opportunity to stop and have lunch at the Sperry Chalet, one of the many backcountry Chalets that offer dining and lodging to guests of the park and is only accessible by trail. Being able to stop for lunch was such a treat on our second day of hiking and really empowered us to complete a high mileage day. Eating a large mid-day meal centered both the necessity of fueling up, as well as the pleasure of food on our trip.
Taking it one step at a time- There were many moments on our backpacking trip where we could see the trail far ahead of us, often times up substantial inclines, foreshadowing grueling elevation gains to come. Seeing a tiny speck of trail so far in the distance made it feel nearly impossible that we would ever make it that far on foot, and yet with patience and determination, we would arrive at the location that once seemed forever away. These moments always reminded me of my own recovery journey and the importance of remembering that it may be impossible to conceptualize arrival at the destination from the start, but when you have the faith to keep putting one foot in front of the other and refuse to quit, you’ll eventually look back and see just how far you’ve traveled.
If you or someone you know is struggling with compulsive exercise, help and recovery is possible and you deserve to enjoy movement with confidence and freedom once again. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist and/or dietitian who specializes in eating disorders who can support you on your own journey.