For many years, I would set my alarm hours before my first appointment or class of the day in order to get up and run three miles on the exact same route EVERY SINGLE morning with zero exceptions or deviations. I completed this exact same routine every day rain or shine, no matter how late I went to bed the night before or my energy level. If a friend invited me to an exercise class with them, I would STILL need to complete my morning run in part because skipping would generate anxiety, and in part because I had a fear that the fitness class might not be “challenging enough”. This fitness routine was in NO WAY rooted in actual health or wellness and it was not designed to make me stronger or work towards any specific fitness goals- it was all about controlling my body, focusing on outcomes, and avoiding change. During the peak of my eating disorder, my relationship with exercise transitioned from a genuine love of movement and athletics, to compulsive exercise focused on weight loss and relieving anxiety.

If you’ve ever struggled with an eating disorder (or your relationship to food/treats and body image), it’s NO surprise that Halloween can present a huge challenge and potential pitfall on the road to food freedom and recovery. At it’s best, Halloween represents a holiday that prioritizes time with friends and chosen family, opportunities to gather and make memories together, to try on a new persona with a costume, and flex your creativity, all while having access to drinks and candy that offer a sensual experience of enjoyment and pleasure. At it’s worst, Halloween can make our bodies feel like they are on display for other people’s appraisal and comes with an impossible paradox of expectations, especially for someone struggling with an eating disorder.

Earlier this month, pro-surfer Sarah Brady posted a series of screenshots to Instagram that depicted direct messages exchanged between herself and a contact saved as ‘Jonah’, allegedly her ex-partner and actor, Jonah Hill. The messages provided an unedited glimpse into the interpersonal exchanges between Brady and Hill, and the public response was both swift and provocative. Most notable, from the perspective of a therapist, was the manipulative mis-use and weaponization of “therapy-speak”.

Your alarm goes off at 6am- the sun has not yet risen, but you find yourself up and throwing on the work out clothes you meticulously laid out the night before. You lace up your gym shoes and you’re off to complete a high intensity workout followed by a protein shake, an apple, and exactly six almonds. You’re exhausted, but this is your routine that you stick to- no pain, no gain. To the outside observer, it looks like you are passionate about a “healthy” start to the day, but what they can’t see is the anxiety, self doubt, and paralyzing fear driving these behaviors.