Therapy-Speak in Relationships: What we can learn from Sarah Brady & Jonah Hill
Earlier this month, pro-surfer Sarah Brady posted a series of screenshots to Instagram that depicted direct messages exchanged between herself and a contact saved as ‘Jonah’, allegedly her ex-partner and actor, Jonah Hill. The messages provided an unedited glimpse into the interpersonal exchanges between Brady and Hill, and the public response was both swift and provocative. Most notable, from the perspective of a therapist, was the manipulative mis-use and weaponization of “therapy-speak”.
The term therapy-speak refers to the widespread, colloquial use of certain clinical terms often utilized in mental health counseling or psychotherapy to describe behaviors or experiences. (Think phrases such as, gaslighting, narcissist, co-dependence, red flags, boundaries.) While the reduced stigma of therapy and counseling in the public conversation, especially on social media, is encouraging, it has led to increasing misuse of therapeutic concepts that range from benign, to manipulative, to dangerous. Let’s unpack some of the language and terminology used by Hill to better understand the terminology itself, and learn to spot when therapy-speak is being weaponized or used as a vehicle of control.
Boundaries
In one of Hill’s alleged messages, he describes a laundry list of prohibitions and demands he made of Brady including to abstain from “surfing with men”, “to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit”, and “friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past[…].” He concludes with the phrase, “These are my boundaries for romantic partnership.”
Let’s break down the definition of boundaries, keeping in mind that healthy boundaries are limits you set for yourself to protect your needs or in response to someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s choices or dictating how they choose to show up in the world. When your “boundaries” limit what someone else can and cannot do, that is control.
That being said, adult relationships are conditional and involve terms that must be agreed upon by all parties involved. Individuals in a relationship could agree not to post certain pictures (i.e. in swim suits) based on shared values, but if a partner violates that agreement, your boundary is that you choose to remove yourself from that relationship or to communicate why this is challenging for you. Your boundary is not about what the other person can or cannot do, it is about what YOU will do in response to their behavior.
When “Jonah” says, “these are my boundaries for romantic partnership”, what he means is that those are the terms and conditions that he is requesting for partnership. By using therapy-speak in this way, he shifts the focus to his partner’s behavior without acknowledging his own feelings of jealousy and insecurity, thus cutting off meaningful communication and introspection at why he has this reaction in the first place.
Why a partner might misuse therapy-speak
While it is important for each person in a relationship to consider their own personal development and growth, if clinical terminology is used to intellectualize, to convey a posture of, “I know more, I’m more mature, I care more, I am in control”, it usually indicates that someone feels deeply insecure, vulnerable and OUT of control. It can be a employed as a defensive tactic to protect themselves. removing the responsibility of genuine communication and placing the burden of care on their partner. It creates a narrative that they are the victim without exploring their contribution or role in the conflict. While they may have positive intentions, the impact is manipulation and control.